Why the Things We Judge in Others Eventually Find Us
The hidden mechanism behind why the traits we hate in others often belong to us first.
Have you ever noticed how the very traits we criticize most in others somehow end up showing up in our own lives?
There is a psychological mechanism behind this—one that explains why many people lose their balance at the most unexpected moments, often when everything seems to be going well.
Projection
Carl Jung described this mechanism as projection.
Projection is what happens when we attribute to others the parts of ourselves we don’t want to see.
Traits we have rejected, disowned, or pushed away internally do not disappear. Instead, they reappear out there, attached to other people—triggering reactions that feel unusually strong: irritation, judgment, or admiration that seems out of proportion.
But this raises an important question.
If we believe we know who we are—and if we genuinely think of ourselves as decent people—where do these automatic reactions come from?
What is this part of us that decides who we avoid, who we criticize, and who we are drawn to, often without conscious choice?
The Shadow
Jung called this hidden part of us the shadow.
The term is fitting for an important reason. A shadow is not something you look at directly. You only see it where it falls.
In the same way, you don’t discover the shadow by staring inward. You see it reflected—most often—through other people.
That is why these reactions feel automatic.
Automatic Reactions and Threats to Identity
Think about how you would react if someone suddenly ran toward you holding a knife.
You would not pause to analyze the situation. Your body and mind would respond instantly. No deliberation. No conscious reasoning.
A similar reflex is triggered when we sense a threat—not to our physical safety, but to our identity.
Just as we instinctively protect our body, we also protect our sense of who we are. Our values, beliefs, preferences, and self-image form a coherent story that allows us to function in the world.
The ego lives inside that story.
When something—or someone—threatens it, the response is rarely rational. It is automatic.
If you have followed this far, this is where the mechanism becomes essential to understand.
